Everyone knows that chicks like assholes, right? Isn’t asshole just another way of saying dominant male? What we really crave deep down? The less they like us, the more attracted we become?

Nope.

It’s a popular meme, to be sure, but it has its limits, and they are considerable, falling into two general categories.

How do you define asshole?

Which chicks likes assholes?

The following letter sent to the Dude at College Candy is an excellent illustration. The Dude is very good. He’s not extraordinarily good-looking, and he doesn’t appear to have any qualifications other than life experience, but his advice is always thoughtful and usually right on target. He understands male psychology, and he’s very good at explaining it to women.

A 22 year-old female reader wonders Why’s He Being So Flakey?

Dear Dude,
So, I met this guy at a bar a few weeks ago…he ends up buying me a drink and asking for my phone number before leaving. The following week he texts me a few times to see “what’s up,” but each time I either had other plans or was not interested in going out to the bar.

Then, Wednesday night he texts me and says plainly “I’m taking you out on Saturday, don’t make any plans.” I agree not to. He follows up with me a day or so later to make sure we’re still on. Friday night, he texts me to see “whats up” again. I tell him I’m out with a friend. He asks where and then says he is coming to meet us there. I tell him the place is about to close but we could meet up somewhere else. He gives me the name of a bar to go to and actually calls me on the way to make sure I know where I’m going and says he “needs to see me.” So, the night goes well. We talk easily and laugh. He says, he’s planning to take me to dinner and then to a party with some friends the next night. (The Saturday date we had planned earlier in the week.) As we’re leaving he says he’ll call after he gets off work.

So, Saturday I don’t hear from him until almost 8pm. He completely disregards that we had dinner plans and asks if I want to go bowling with some of his friends. I’m a little frustrated at this point so I say I think I’d like to rain check for another night. He ignores this and says, How about karaoke. So, I say I’ll see what I can do (with no real intention of trying to make it out to the bar with him and his friends). A few hours later he calls me, I say, again, that I really just don’t think it will be a good night to get together. I didn’t want to come off as “needy” or mad that he had been so flakey about our plans, so I figured it would be best just to stay away from him that night. The next day, he texts me just to say he was thinking of me.

Now I’m so confused. What is this guy’s deal? Does he like me? If he didn’t want to take me out on an actual date then why would he initiate it and then flake about our plans?

Look at the evidence: he takes control, makes plans for you, changes plans on you, doesn’t give you a moment to think for yourself, makes you work around his schedule, his plans, whatever he’s feeling like doing, and showing no interest or consideration for how he treats you. He’s playing past the point of coming off casual and into the realm of prickdom.

The absolute bottom line is this: give him as much thought as he seems to give you. If you don’t mind being tossed around at leisure and can keep it from getting at you, then keep letting him make plans and changing/breaking them. Just know that that’s what’s going to happen. Keep the expectations as low as possible and you can’t be too disappointed.

On the other hand, if you don’t feel like being jerked around, then lose his number and forget his phone calls. At first he might try harder at getting your attention, like a little boy being told he can’t have a cookie. Then he’ll do what all flakes do, get distracted by something else and leave you alone.

How do you define asshole?

1. It’s all about him.
What he needs and wants. To see you. Now. Come here.
His choice, his advantage, his upper hand.
His timetable.

Without any regard for your feelings or preferences. He doesn’t need to consult you, because he knows what you want, which is to be pounded by an asshole. That is his mantra. In this way he justifies his actions by giving you what women really want.

2. The push-pull is over the top.

Day 1: “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Day 2: “What plans? We had plans?”
Day 3: “I want to see you.”
Day 4: Silence.
Day 5: “I have other girls, ya know.”
Day 6: Sees you out, is super attentive. It’s obvious to your friends how much he likes you!
Day 7: “Where are you now? Come meet up.” Ignores you when you get there, flirts with another girl in front of you. Tells you afterwards that she needed to talk, no biggie. Her identity remains vague.

Repeat cycle week after week until one of you tires of it.

3. You are disposable.

For this man, concern about your state of mind is on a par with worrying about the fate of a used Kleenex. Woman, thy name is Punani.

1. Naive women.

Young women with little experience, e.g. college freshmen, stumble into relationships with assholes not understanding their underlying motives, which are purely egoic and/or sexual. Self-confidence, whether natural or synthetic, is highly attractive to women.

2. Stupid women.

Some women make the same mistakes over and over again. One can only assume they lack the intelligence to recognize a failed strategy.

3. Weak women.

They lack the self-awareness and introspection to identify their own attraction triggers.

They lack the self-discipline required to delay gratification and instead focus on the short-term reward of male attention and validation.

They lack the self-respect required to be intolerant of poor treatment.

4. Asshole women.

It’s masturbation with another warm body in the room. You use me, I’ll use you, let’s not learn each other’s birthdays.

If none of these chicks describe you, then you need to know how to repel Asshole Game. Much of it boils down to common sense, but it can be very difficult to exercise that when you’ve been targeted by a hot asshole.

Asshole Game Repellent

1. Take all actions at face value. If it looks douchey, it is. No excuses:

“He’s in a bad place because of his past relationship.”

“But you could have followed up with me!”

“That didn’t mean anything with her, we’re just friends.”

“I didn’t follow up because I wound up not going out last night.”

“Whoa, it’s not like I’m your boyfriend, chill!”

2. Penalize mixed messages.

If a man cares about you and wants to get to know you for anything more than sex, he will make sure you know that. If you don’t know it, he doesn’t care.

At the first sign of mixed messages, you get to ask what’s going on, to put him on alert that you don’t appreciate his inconsistency. Once. If it’s happens a second time, walk away, he doesn’t care.

3. Reject any man who does not demonstrate real affection.

Real affection should be evident in his physical attention, but also in the amount of non-sexual time he wishes to spend with you. If you do not see emotional intimacy developing in a real way, he doesn’t care. It may be gradual, or slow, but there should be steady progress on this front.

If despite everything, you fall for an asshole, when he kicks you to the curb follow this:

The 12-Step Douchebag Recovery Program

If you do like it when assholes jerk you around, no worries, all you have to do is be hot and show up.

Try not to wind up like Madame de Tourvel. Don’t be that girl.